I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
