Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
