in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
