Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
