i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
