he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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