Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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