My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
