Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
