well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
