Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
