captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
