So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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