Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
