alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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