Ambien. No doubt about it.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
