i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
