She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
