Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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