I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
