my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
