Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I looked at my own cervix.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
