you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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