Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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