all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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