he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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