I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
