If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
