question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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