she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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