Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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