you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
