also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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