$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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