We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
