hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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