"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
we're so committed to being not committed
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
