I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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