Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
