Will you blow on my dice?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
she pinky promised me she was 18
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
