He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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