which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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