I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
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