i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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