How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
