yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
