lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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