Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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