stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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