God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Let's get the cat blown out
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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