God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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