so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
We had sex on a dog bed..
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
