I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
